Judd and I toured the daycare last December while Charlotte was swimming around in my belly. We felt really good about it. The "teachers" seemed very nice, the place looked clean, most of the babies were smiling, the ratio is 3:1 of kids to teachers, and they even clean the toys 2x a day. Plus, it is at our church. Our church is 2 miles from our house, and on my way to work. We were thrilled. It will be the next best thing to me staying at home with her, right?
On Monday Charlotte and I went to meet with the person that is to be Charlotte's teacher in the Infant 2 room. She talked to us and walked us around the facility to show me how Charlotte would spend her day. I looked into the Infant 2 room, and I saw 6 one year-olds looking back at me with big eyes. The tears started to well up in my eyes. I just pictured Charlotte, my baby, in that room. I don't know what it was that caused that reaction in me. Knowing that she'll be in that room all day? Having her diaper changed by a woman that has to wear surgical gloves to change it? The institutional feel of it? Knowing that she'll be competing with 5 or 6 other babies for attention all day?
Currently she is at an in-home daycare where she is the only baby under 1. She is carried around by her daycare provider all day. But, this daycare provider only watches children 3 days a week. I work 5 days a week. The math no longer works.
Will the pit in my stomach ever go away? Will the visions of her big blue eyes staring sadly at the door waiting for me to appear ever change to visions of her happily playing with her friends? Am I doing the right thing? Will these decisions shape the rest of her life? Sometimes I feel like the decision about whether to work or not is a bigger decision than having her in the first place.
6 comments:
Not having a child of my own OR even having been through that... I wish I could offer you some advice, words of wisdom... even comforting words. My heart just broke for you when I read your post. I can only imagine how hard that is for you and will be thinking and praying for you!
Wow... yeah must be tough.. Glori and I thought about day care perhaps 2 or 3 days/week and then grandparents the rest of the week, but we figured it was too much. The idea of FT day care (5 days/week) didn't really appeal to us (thought it didn't appeal at *ALL* to my wife). So she quit and is now a FT mommy.
Hey if Charlotte comes to Puerto Rico, she can meet Alejandro ( hmm.. now that makes me feel horrible.. I'm pimping my own son.. :( )... (http://embarazopr.blogspot.com/2008/07/es-lactado.html) sorry,it's in spanish.
@Luis: He is beautiful! I used Google Translate to read the latest post. Congrats to your wife for breastfeeding :) I haven't had anyone tell me they thought Charlotte looked like a breastfed baby! That's awesome that she gets that compliment. (hopefully google translated correctly :))
I know the feeling - I've been there twice. It is definitely not easy, but it does get easier (which is good and bad!). The best part of the day is picking them up and they give you a big smile because they know you are mommy and they love you better than anyone who is caring for them all day. AND...when all the other babies are crying except yours. :) Seriously though - I've had a lot of the same thoughts & issues as you. For us, it just doesn't make financial sense for me to not work right now (despite paying for 2 kids to be there now instead of 1). A couple of weeks ago I found out that a new baby had joined the infant room. It made me a little sad knowing that Liam was no longer the "baby" there.
i know that feeling--and i'm not even an official mom yet! yesterday after talking about short term disbility (aka maternity leave) w/h.r. yesterday and i realize to make it work i have to go back at FOUR WEEKS. i cried all the way home.
Wow.. Google did translate correctly!!! Well.. given i have a 4.5 mo old breastfed baby.. i can definitely tell Charlotte is breastfed!! Their skin just looks so nice, soft, and beautiful. My wife and I are hooked to your blog.
We are going to see if we can add a 'Translate This' button on her blog so you can read it too :)
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