Daycare Blues

Our church has a daycare. This daycare is, according to Bright from the Start & NAEYC, a very good daycare. In fact, there is a waiting list. Charlotte has had her little name on the waiting list since last September. (She is actually listed as "Baby Davis" because we didn't know her name then). Her name came up, she's starting there on August 11.

Judd and I toured the daycare last December while Charlotte was swimming around in my belly. We felt really good about it. The "teachers" seemed very nice, the place looked clean, most of the babies were smiling, the ratio is 3:1 of kids to teachers, and they even clean the toys 2x a day. Plus, it is at our church. Our church is 2 miles from our house, and on my way to work. We were thrilled. It will be the next best thing to me staying at home with her, right?

On Monday Charlotte and I went to meet with the person that is to be Charlotte's teacher in the Infant 2 room. She talked to us and walked us around the facility to show me how Charlotte would spend her day. I looked into the Infant 2 room, and I saw 6 one year-olds looking back at me with big eyes. The tears started to well up in my eyes. I just pictured Charlotte, my baby, in that room. I don't know what it was that caused that reaction in me. Knowing that she'll be in that room all day? Having her diaper changed by a woman that has to wear surgical gloves to change it? The institutional feel of it? Knowing that she'll be competing with 5 or 6 other babies for attention all day?

Currently she is at an in-home daycare where she is the only baby under 1. She is carried around by her daycare provider all day. But, this daycare provider only watches children 3 days a week. I work 5 days a week. The math no longer works.

Will the pit in my stomach ever go away? Will the visions of her big blue eyes staring sadly at the door waiting for me to appear ever change to visions of her happily playing with her friends? Am I doing the right thing? Will these decisions shape the rest of her life? Sometimes I feel like the decision about whether to work or not is a bigger decision than having her in the first place.